Abortion…

I am pro-choice.

I find it odd that a majority of those against abortion are also against a women’s right to access to birth control, and whom complain about welfare and unemployment (and child neglect…and poverty…and…)

The focus is entirely on the image of “murdering” a baby. Just like we seem to focus on the image of a 10 year old cancer patient taking bong rips in the fight to legalize medical marijuana. Distorted, manipulated, inaccurate. It makes my head and heart hurt.

The image we should be envisioning is the very long, complex process of having and caring for a child.

It is I who will carry and nourish that child with my body for 9 months. It is I who will be responsible for clothing, feeding, caring, and providing for that child once it is born. It is I who will carry that physical and emotional burden/blessing from the moment of conception to my last breath, and in turn I will pass that on to that child for the same length of time. Will you carry, nourish, clothe, feed, care for, and provide for my child for me? Because if I can’t, it will then be your responsibility as a tax-payer and the states as a Government body to do so, since you want to make my abortion illegal and take that right/option from me. What are your views on welfare and the foster care/adoption system, or even teen pregnancy, being that you won’t actually FEEL or have to DEAL with that burden directly, it will be paid out through taxes and federal/state budgets? My child, who you forced me to have, will either have to be cared for by me, a despondent, unprepared mother who may or may not have the emotional or financial means to care for him/her nor provide a good, happy, healthy home for him/her OR be put into state/foster care which is already overwhelmed, and then he/she is going to have to go through the very long, emotional process of finding a family who can afford to take them on. The family who chooses my child will have to decide whether or not to tell him/her that they are not their biological parents, and my child will then go through the emotional journey of dealing with THAT information on top of all the time they spent in foster care and trying to find that “forever home”…it’s quite a ripple effect one life can have on so many others. Maybe, MAYBE I’m a mentally ill woman who doesn’t know how to even process all that information and decide to leave my baby in a public restroom or dumpster or worse; being that I’m only provided one option which is to go through the emotional, physical, public process of having it…and don’t have the “right” to an abortion…because you want to make it illegal. There is a lot more to making (and taking) a life than we seem to want to discuss. Thank goodness that adoption IS an option, it’s a wonderful alternative for those who can handle such a decision and process, but…abortion is as well for some out there.

I’d like to think of myself as a very compassionate, sensitive, empathetic person. With that comes being compassionate, sensitive, and empathetic towards ALL…including the fetus…the woman carrying it…the potential people paying and caring for it…etc etc. It also means I have to consider each and every circumstance this could apply to; which isn’t the overwhelming ignorant image of a slutty twenty-something without a care in the world using it as a form of birth control, believe it or not. Let’s remember, one life has a very wide ripple effect on those around it. It can be magical, it can be tragic…either way, it is life altering for all involved. Bringing a baby into this world is quite the process. It also doesn’t just happen like we tell our children, by “two people who love each other very much”. And we seem to forget: we are also choosing that child’s quality of life when we choose for the mother whether or not she keeps it. I’ve heard time and time again, “some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children”. Hmm. An odd statement coming from pro-lifers. Sometimes I really just think people like to hear themselves talk and like to enforce their views and beliefs and opinions on everyone else with no consideration of the consequences. You want me to have this baby I am not prepared for yet…later when you deem me an unfit parent, you want to mock me and say how I shouldn’t have had it in the first place. My head spins. Personally, I feel that decision lies with the person creating the life. Personally, I don’t like the idea of someone telling me what my future, or that of my unborn child, is going to hold and then resenting me for it later when they have to help support it.

Until you’re ready to open your womb or home or wallet or LIFE up to the possibility of MY fetus and my child, and deal with the repercussions of that decision for both myself and my child, you have no right to tell me what to do with mine. None.

I am pro-choice…

Training wheels please…

Being a mother is hard. There, I said it. I won’t even touch being a wife today…cause I’m still figuring that out too 😉

As an emotional over thinker, it’s even more difficult because I’m constantly second guessing myself (along with everyone else), taking everything to heart (and I mean personally), and always trying to foresee every possible consequence or outcome of every word, action, or situation…which is IMpossible.

From the moment my daughter was born, I felt the weight of it on my heart and conscience…the responsibility of her life, her happiness, her comfort and well being, as well as the expectations I have for myself to live up to: as the mother I always wanted for myself and that I saw myself being…and of course, the expectations I assume every one else has of me; the things I imagine they would want me to say or do, my daughter to say or do or be. It’s all very overwhelming and at times a bit too much for my sensitive self to take in. I am hard enough on myself as a person, let alone as a person responsible for another life 😉

This week has been a doozy, not just as a mommy but also with a lot of personal changes and adjustments. I started back on the 10 week program with Farrell’s. I am in the 5am class because it works best with my busy schedule, so I now get up at 4am rather than 5:30 or 6 as I’m used to. And since my husband now gets up later, I’ve been staying up later with him until 10 instead of going to bed at 9…so sleep has been less and I’m tired from the new workouts. I’m thinking I’m going to have to go back to 9pm bedtimes if I expect to stay awake and sane for the next few months 😉 I also started back at DMACC, taking 2 online classes and one night class, which is two days a week after work. I’ve been trying to read over all the syllabus’, class outlines, and assignments for the next week, post to the message boards, and just get used to being in a classroom environment again (totally weird since I’ve been used to online classes for a couple years now) while working around my normal work schedule and duties…it’s been stressful. I’m a little concerned about the workload since I’m taking both Literature and English, which are heavy in reading/essay writing but…I enjoy both so I’m hoping I will find a way to manage them well. We’re still settling into our new house; unpacking, fixing things, decorating, and just trying to get it to feeling more “normal” or like a home. Most nights and weekends are spent doing that. Then comes the everyday stuff like laundry, dishes, house work, etc. With the new house we want to be sure we stay on top of things so I’m getting gentle reminders about them and taking them not so gently. Doing laundry for two adults who workout (that’s two outfits and pajamas) AND a five year old can be tough to keep up with, especially on a super tight schedule. I’m tired, I’m a little stressed and overwhelmed, my nerves and emotions are bruised and sensitive, I feel overweight and icky and my clothes don’t fit…and it’s just kinda crazy. I’m just trying to stay focused, calm, and not freak out 😉

Then there is my 5 year old daughter, Cadence, who is in Kindergarten and had to start up at a new school herself. She’s my main concern this week. Much like her mommy she is a very emotional, sensitive little person..who takes everything to heart and is a people pleaser. Over the past month she had to deal with packing up all her things in her old bedroom and not having access to a lot of her favorite toys or activities until we moved, saying goodbye to all her new friends she made at her previous school, being bounced around between grandma and grandpas and mommy and daddy while we move, do repairs, etc. She’s had to entertain herself and hear a lot of “Not right now” or “Maybe later”. We celebrated Christmas and then after break she started back at the new school, seemingly excited but showing little signs here and there of being stressed by breaking down into tears over the silliest (in our eyes) of things. Our schedules are new, EVERYTHING is new…and we’re still all adjusting. Yesterday I got a call from her teacher…one of those calls any parent would hate to get: Cadence has been struggling to keep her hands to herself and was seen by a teacher going up and kneeing a girl in the back of the leg out of nowhere, and this wasn’t an isolated incident I guess. Her teacher just hadn’t wanted to say anything in hopes it was just a first week adjustment issue…but it’s now carrying over into her second week and she’s concerned. Cadence has told her she just wants to get their attention but she’s clearly doing it in the wrong way. I also found out she’s made several trips to the nurses office complaining of tummy aches, although she’s not running a fever or throwing up…what the nurse and I both agree sounds like nerves…and again, what daddy and I believe may be attention seeking.

I forget, in all that is going on in my own day to day, that she too has feelings, she too is impacted by all this crazy, and probably struggles much more with it all being 5 and little and confused. I cried when I got off the phone with her teacher. In part because I was disappointed, didn’t understand why my sweet little monkey would be wanting to hurt others, and worry others won’t understand or know how wonderful she is and not want to be her friend…but also, mostly, because I feel like it’s my fault; like I could have prevented this, like I haven’t been attentive enough during this transition…I completely overlooked her feelings in it all. I can’t imagine how she must be feeling, sigh.

We sat down and talked last night. I tried to make sure she knew how important it is that she is honest and open with what she is feeling, what she is going through, what is happening in her day; that mommy and daddy are here, that we care and want to help her, but can’t if she doesn’t talk to us, which she wasn’t comfortable doing because she was afraid we would be mad. Sometimes we will get mad, but we will work through it…and we will always love her. We role played some situations: wanting to get someones attention by using our words (not our hands), what we should do if the person doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t want to talk/play (because they won’t always want to, and that is okay), what to say/do if we start to feel mad or sad or scared and who to go to (because it’s okay to take time to ourself to be alone or to ask a teacher to talk it out). I wanted her to know how completely unacceptable hitting or hurting others is…but also wanted her to know how much we love her, how smart and kind we know she is, and that regardless of “getting in trouble” or making mistakes…we will always love her, no matter what. She lost her iPad privileges and access to some of her things. She has a play date scheduled for this weekend, it will only happen if we hear a good report for the rest of the week. Tough but also unconditional love…that’s what we’re trying here.

I am new at this. I have never been a mother. I am learning as I go..and most of the time there is a whole bunch of other shit going on that I’m having to juggle and wrangle and figure out…but what I’m realizing is: she is most important. She comes first.

I have looked forward to being a mommy my whole life. From the moment I found out Caleb and I had made magic and I had a little bean in my belly, I was filled with a glow and love and excitement I have never experienced. I used to waddle through the skywalks on my lunches, big old baby belly guiding the way, smiling to myself because I was just so stinkin giddy and happy. *tears tears tears typing it. But I’ve also taken it incredibly seriously, lots of times too seriously (because I do that with everything damnit) and that’s been a tremendous struggle because I know it not only effects my own sanity and heart but that of my girl and family.

So (deep breath)…with a little bit of a heavy heart, sparky-fritzy brain and really sore butt and arms from my workouts this week hahaha…I’m moving forward, a little cautiously. I’m going to try to take the gentle reminders about laundry and vacuuming and not leaving things on the kitchen table…gently (without breaking into tears or freaking out by yelling things like “I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS DAMNIT”). I’ve already thrown and cleaned up after a pitty party by expressing how I “can’t do anything right” etc…waste of time and energy, suck it up buttercup 😉 Caleb’s favorite term is HTFU. I’m trying honey…thanks for hanging in there. I’m going to try to manage my time better. I’m going to try to keep up on all the day to day. I’m going to try to be positive and organized. I say try because that is the best promise I can give right now. Take it or leave it. But mostly, I’m just going to consciously not say things like “Not now” or “Maybe later” and be more patient, more attentive, and more present with my little monkey…because she deserves it, she needs it…and I know with all I’m feeling, it’s what I would want or need from someone, especially my mommy.

Still learning. Figuring it all out one second at a time. Raw. Always forward ❤

F-Ab-ulous Ab Friday BULK Season, Vol. 3

If we thought cutting and competition prep was hard…post-comp bulking is even more interesting 😉 Coming down from the competition pertified high is a little rough…you go from feeling and looking the best you ever have, struggling with lack of carbs and sweets, and low energy to feeling bloated and swollen, packing in newfound carbs and sweets, and bursting at the seems with energy and the drive to push! It’s a little bittersweet to say the least, and a complete mind eff.

I feel pretty good though about this week. I don’t feel as “fluffy” as I did in volume 2 and I’m falling into the swing of things with nutrition and workouts. My body I think is as well; that 2nd week I’m pretty sure my tummy was not happy and was making a very sad face even if my taste buds and sanity were rejoicing 😉

This picture really shows how my bloating has gone down and how I’m putting on a little body fat in all the right places…ahem, do you see my girls have decided to join the party again?! Hellloooooo ladies, come on in 😉 While I’m struggling to embrace the fact that bulk season means I’ll pack on some extra pounds and body fat, I’m finding the silver lining and fun in rocking a “curvier” me for a few months. It’s as if my honey gets two women, and that’s exciting, right?!? bwahaha It’s all about that silver lining people…finding the positive when negative tries to elbow it’s way in. I’m elbowing back, or perhaps chest bumping, come at me brah! It’s going to take putting a little on, in a reasonable, controlled amount, to get where I want to be next year and I just have to trust my trainer (and my self-control/will power) to get me there. And while “bulk season” is going to make me fluffier, my whole goal is to eventually get to a point where I have so much muscle and so little body fat, that it isn’t such a struggle to maintain. It would be great to get to the point where the muscle fights the fat itself because I’ve jacked up my metabolism so well…it’s going to take work but it’s going to be worth it…and really exciting 😉

On another note, I got my competition photos back from this years event and I have to say, after seeing them side-by-side next to last years…I’m so so proud of how far I’ve come in all of this. Last year, while it was mostly about pushing myself, it was also about feeling sexy and confident again and I accomplished that. But this year it was more about building a better structure and worrying less about the sexy and more about the confident…I feel like these things really shine through in these photos; my chin is up, my shoulders are back, and my smile is a little less uncertain and much more proud. I never see it or feel it in the moment…it’s always hindsight and stepping back from myself after to see the photos that really proves this to me.

I wasn’t as lean and I don’t think I looked nearly as sassy…but I had much more muscle (are those abs?!?!), much more poise and confidence (strong stance, eyes forward, always smiling), and it felt more professional…like I had ridden this bull before and I knew what I was doing 😉 That night I felt so disappointed in myself that I hadn’t placed, and that I hadn’t come in as low in body fat as I had wished…but then I see these and I am filled with so much pride (my eyes are all blurry and misty, ugh!!) because I have never been a very motivated person, I’ve always been pretty damn lazy, and never had an ounce of muscle or any sign of effort to my frame…and here I am, going on my 3rd year of this, stronger, happier, more dedicated…ready to see what I’m made of. Ask me what sports I participated in throughout school?! None. Ask me what hobbies/tasks I’ve taken on and really truly stuck to?! None. Aside from my relationship with my husband (15+ years strong), friendships, family, and a few jobs I cannot think of one thing I’ve really taken seriously enough to follow through with in goals and effort. My honey (and I’m sure some of you who have followed me) can attest to the fact that…I have a lot of really big, great ideas…but always struggle to follow through. “She’s got potential!” Eff potential. I’m sick of hearing or thinking I have ‘potential’…I want to BE. I want to cross that potential finish line, bust through that wall! It’s not even just about those wheels and dat juicy booty anymore (don’t get me wrong, I still want em!!)…it’s about proving to myself that I can stick to something, that I can meet that FULL potential I’ve been told I have my whole life, that I can succeed in always being a better version of myself. It’s going to be really tough, sometimes it’s going to suck and I’m going to think I’m crazy and want to cry or scream or worse: give up. But it’s also going to be: miraculous!! That word, miraculous! There are going to be workouts I wish wouldn’t end, days I feel stronger and higher than ever, times I actually FEEL pretty and maybe a little sexy…my daughter’s first words this morning were something along the lines of “Look at my muscles”!! THAT…is what makes this all worth it. That legacy that I am building for myself, my daughter, my family, and the world around me. I’m not a doctor, I’m not a scientist or firefighter or hero…but I can touch people with my heart and my words and my actions. If I can inspire one person, whether it’s my own daughter or a perfect stranger…it makes it worth it.

But she…she is what matters the most ❤ She is my life work, my biggest success and challenge. Sometimes I take motherhood too seriously and am far to hard on myself, her, and others who care for her but it’s only because I know I am responsible for this beautiful little life, everything I say and do somehow (big or small) impacts how she will one day feel about herself, how she will treat others, and how she will allow others to treat her. I think it’s okay to take that seriously…I just have to remember neither she nor I will ever be perfect…and that’s okay too. I want to be all my mother couldn’t be, I want to be all she’ll have hoped for, and most of all I want her to love herself and be proud of herself and never let anyone dull her sparkle (*tears tears tears).

So this is my legacy. That smile and warmth and kindness and confidence is my ultimate goal and worth and effort. And damnit if it isn’t…miraculous ❤

Always forward loves.