The Snuggle Sessions: Episode 1

Let me preface this by saying: If you read this, and know my girl, please don’t approach her about what I’ve shared with you here. This has happened before. I know it was likely with good intentions but…please don’t. This is my safe space that I have allowed you into, as an adult to discuss adult/parental topics. I don’t want her to be embarrassed or discouraged to continue sharing openly with me. I plan to keep my promise of not sharing “bubble talk” here and while this wasn’t “bubble talk” this is still a sensitive subject for little people regardless. Thank you. Please carry on 🙂

So I am mother to a pretty fantastic 10 year old. I may be a little bias, but I also think I know a good soul when I meet one, and regardless of her literally being a part of me…I really, honestly think she’s good stuff.

My girl is in 5th grade this year and we started having these “bubble” talks after finding out I was pregnant with my second daughter (last May) as a way to make sure big sister still not only feels special, but also so she knows she has a safe space to talk openly about all the stuff ahead as she approaches puberty. The “bubble” is a place where she can tell me anything and I have to promise not to share it with anyone else, including dad; with the exception of it being something I deem as MUST SHARE, then I can inform her of that, we can talk through how and what I’ll share, who I share it with, and she gives the final stamp of approval to share. An example: her period. When she gets her period daddy must know so he can be her “wing man”. We giggled for a bit over that fun little nickname, because this is quite punny, as he may very well have to run and get her some little winged pads…but also cause that’s what the men in our lives do, especially daddy’s and husbands: they support us and have our backs. So anyway, these “bubble talks” have been great. They allow us to share special time, one on one, no distractions, no judgement, where we truly listen and feel heard, and just get to forget about our days and the world and the hard moments I have to nag…and we’re reminded how much love there is and how we truly are a tribe and home-base for one another.

Well the other night we were having our snuggle time, which typically turns into chatter and giggle time, which is kinda like “bubble talks” but without the guidelines and promise of keeping things secret. And my girl brought up how anxious she and all  the other kids were about having to watch “the videos”. So there are two videos they watched last year in 4th grade, one for boys and one for girls, talking about the changes each will go through during puberty. They also talk about personal hygiene and all that fun stuff. Well last year apparently the girls only watched the girl video, and the boys only watched the boys. This year, the girls will watch the boy video, and the boys will watch the girl video (or so I’m told). And this has everyone all weirded out and squirmy and uncomfortable and embarrassed and giggly…

My girl was saying how she doesn’t like that they have to do this so I asked her why. She proceeded to say how embarrassing it is that boys will know about the girls’ periods and how she doesn’t want to know about boy parts. And besides “girls have it harder! We go through WAY MORE and are WAY TOUGHER than boys have to be!” I listened and paused and thought for a few moments to myself about how I wanted to approach this. This was an opportunity, and I needed to tread carefully and choose my words and message wisely.

I started off explaining why I personally think it’s AWESOME that they are having them ALL watch BOTH videos. 1) It helps them understand EVERYONE experiences some weird, awkward, kind of embarrassing stuff. 2) It shows them they aren’t alone in these changes. And 3) it sets them up to be better friends and allies to one another through these changes. We talked about how when she starts her period, the only person around to help her may be a boy, like daddy. Would she rather that boy know what a period is and maybe be prepared to help by giving her his sweatshirt to tie around her waist and run to the nurses office or even get her a pad or tampon? Or would she rather he NOT know, FREAK OUT at the site of the blood, or maybe even make fun of her for it? A little light bulb lit behind her eyes.

This is the point I reminded her: boys go through some stuff too, and while it may not seem as big to her as her period, it’s big and scary to them. Body hair, smelly armpits, not knowing the right thing to say and when. I asked her if she knew of anything boys go through that girls don’t that might be embarrassing. She hid her face and giggled. I pressed. She said “like what happens to Bob.” Bob is our dog. I wasn’t quite sure what she meant at first, and then…”when he gets excited.” Ooooohhhhhhh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well, since we’re here. “Exactly! And did you know that happens to them sometimes for no reason at all and they can’t control it?!” She was SHOCKED. She thought for sure they did it on purpose and could summon this thing whenever. “Noooo no no. Sometimes they will just be sitting there and it will happen and…it’s super duper embarrassing and scary. The bell might ring and they may have to figure out how they are going to get to their next class with that thing.” Seriously, I’m so proud of her face at this moment – it was a look of compassion and understanding and just…I was so proud she GOT IT. So I circled back to the whole sweatshirt scenario. “So maybe YOU might be the one offering a sweatshirt to tie around his waist sometime. Maybe YOU might have to be that ally or friend that helps him through something he can’t control that is scary and embarrassing…”

I reminded her of how she said girls have it harder, and girls are tougher. And then pointed out how girls actually have it pretty good in some senses. We can be open about our emotions and feelings, while boys are often taught to “be tough” and “man up” and told “boys don’t cry”. They aren’t encouraged to talk about this stuff openly like we naturally are and do. I asked her how often she saw boys cry at school and she said hardly ever, while she admitted she sees girlfriends cry and hug and share their feelings all the time. And then she reminded me of how the boys have to do more pull ups than the girls and how their pushed harder and held to higher standards and goals to meet in gym class. “I always thought that didn’t seem fair to us but…now it doesn’t seem fair to them” she said with a frown. Oh, my girl ❤ “Exactly. How do you think they feel if they don’t meet that goal or time…in front of all the other boys, and even the girls?” And we talked about the pressure we put on ourselves AND each other. She told me a story about one of the boys in her class being so sore from testing in gym, that when he later went to pull himself up to pose in the back for their class photo his arms gave out and he fell. His eyes got all watery and he squeeeeeezed them shut as tight as he could and whispered “Be a man. Be tough. Don’t cry.” I asked her what everyone did. She said they just tried to ignore it because he looked embarrassed. I asked her if her reaction would have been different if it would have been one of her GIRL friends and she said “Well yeah, I would have asked if she was okay and hugged her.” I asked if she thinks that boy could have used a hug and to be asked the same thing at that moment, and again the look on her little face was just so sweet and understanding, and reassuring that this was a GOOD talk.

By the end of our conversation, she agreed why it was good that they decided the boys and girls should watch each others videos and why it’s important boys and girls know what the other is going through. “Maybe we’re all tough, just in different ways?” Again, I was just so proud. Not all kids will listen much less talk for 45 minutes with their mom about this stuff. Not all kids would go to their parents. And…I felt a little proud of myself, I must be doing SOMETHING right because…she trusted and came to me to talk about it. Man, that’s kind of a big deal. I cried after I tucked her in, out of joy, out of pride, out of relief…cause again, I’m doing something good and I somehow managed to make someONE good and she felt good and…sigh.

Parenting is hard. It’s a huge responsibility. I saw someone post something on Facebook JUST after Cadence and I had this special talk, a post that’s been shared and passed around, about praying for our kids this school year and hoping they find ways to be kind and get through the tough stuff. And I liked the sentiment, but I also thought…we need to do more than pray. We need to TEACH our kids to be kind. We need to TEACH our kids to be compassionate. We need to TEACH our kids to put themselves in that other kids shoes, to be a friend to even those different from us. And so I shared it, but made it my own:

As we begin a new school year, take a moment to speak to your children about looking out for one another; especially for the kids that don’t seem to fit in, or the kids that others call “different”.

Teach them to be kind and reach out to the kids that sit on the buddy bench at recess…some go home crying because even then, after sitting alone on the bench, no one will play with them.

Talk to them about the junior high or high school kids who are insecure but who put on a tough or brave facade to fool their friends, or the girl who hates her body, or the boy who fears the locker room.

Help them to be the good, kind kids these others turn to so they aren’t so easily influenced that they choose to follow not so nice kids that make bad choices.

Remind your children not to judge based on what others have said and perhaps remind the staff and parents of this as well. We all should lead by example, old and young, and recognize that everyone deserves a clean slate and fresh start.

Make sure they know everyone deserves to feel loved, to feel special, and to have a tribe of friends to call their own.

Talk to your children. Teach them to be nice and to always be kind and respectful of one another! Teach your kids to love themselves and connect with others who will in turn love them back. You really never know what these kids are really going through!

When we make these little humans, we play a pretty big part in who they are going to be when we send them off into the world. And how we love them and talk to them and guide them will play a big part in how they are going to let that big world influence who they are. I take that pretty seriously because not only do I remember how hard it was for me, but I also recognize how hard it is STILL as a grown woman. I also think a lot about how while I want my girl to be kind to others, to become a good person with a good heart…I want others to be kind to her, and for her to be strong enough to shake it off when they aren’t.

Bullying is so multifaceted and has so many moving parts. We have to teach our kids not to bully, but also how to not give power to bullies either. We have to teach them to be kind, but not too kind. To be tough, but not too tough. To be friendly, but not too friendly. Ugh. It’s a LOT. But…I love it. It’s part of why I’ve always wanted to be a mama to a little. Because I see where my own mama and teachers and friends and society as a whole fell short, but I also see where my mama and all the others shined a light on the right path and pushed me gently (and sometimes shoved me) in the right direction. Man, it TRULY TRULY takes a VILLAGE. How I raise and love my girl at home has such a domino effect on how she treats others and allows others to treat her. And the same goes for you and yours. We really have to be aware of that and really do some work…for our own families, and our larger community family, and for our global family. Because that’s what this is: a family. You and me, us and we. A family. A village. A tribe.

So talk to your little humans. Listen to them. Feel with them. And remember how imperfectly perfect and brutiful we all are and this all is…and proceed with grace. That’s what I’m gonna do, friends. And I’m just gonna hope I do right by us all.

Always forward ❤