We don’t forget…

It’s funny sometimes how you hear a song or read an article and you feel like somehow, somewhere, someone knew you needed it…whether to remind you that you aren’t alone, to give you a little push forward from whatever rut you’ve found yourself in, or some other special reason…they knew. I read a blog today that touched me in that way, it was by a husband celebrating his first Christmas without his wife…it brought me to tears and made me happy all at once. It reminded me of my own first Christmas’ without my Grammy and my mama, and was oddly timed because I found myself lying in bed last night with them on my mind.

This time of year, along with many others, I feel an ache (tension in my chest, a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes) just thinking about these two. Last night I lay awake for quite some time trying to pull forward old memories, particular moments or events that would help me bring their faces into focus, trying to hear their voices, see their movements and mannerisms. I even repeated “mama” over and over in my head hoping it would call to her, maybe help some cosmic force bring her face and voice to me. I tried to remember our old apartment, the furniture, the way the rooms were laid out, pictures and mirrors on the walls, nicknacks…I did this for what seemed like forever, and while I had nearly the whole place alive again in my mind I couldn’t even conjure the image that haunted me for years after she passed…the one of her lying on her bedroom floor, the way we found her that morning. It hurt. It’s hard to accept that someone is fading from your memories; there’s a guilt and a sense of obligation and respect that comes with keeping them alive and bright in my mind. Sure, I can pull out a picture but it isn’t the same. Once in a while I put in mom’s Karaoke CD and on one song she says something between singing and I play it over and over. I just wish I could see them move. I want to see them smile, see them wave their hands as they’re speaking or tilt their head as they laugh, hear them chuckle. It breaks my heart that I’m losing those special moments. But then I have dreams like I did last year, out of nowhere, where one of them will just show up, clear as day, sharp as a whistle…as if they never left…these dreams are hard to wake up from, and leave my day a little foggy. I love those dreams. I guess maybe I shouldn’t try so hard next time, and one will just come to me?!

The blog post also talked about how his wife loved to do special things for their daughters for Christmas, how much care she took in picking out their gifts and stocking stuffers. It reminded me of one of my favorite Christmas’ back when I was in elementary school and we lived in a green, little two-story house on 3rd St in Valley Junction (the one we lost to the floods).

Look what I found! That was my bedroom window up top there 🙂

We were low on money, and if I remember right had been chosen that year as an “adopted” family for the holiday: we were given a tree, a box full of presents for each of us (myself, my older brother, and my mom), and even a box of food to make a special meal that included a ham. I have pictures somewhere of us holding up our favorite presents, mine was a drawing pad…I loved to draw and write stories (just like Cadence does now). But mom didn’t forget to do something special for us. She had filled our stockings with the usual: an apple, an orange, some candy, new toothbrushes and a jar of pickles for me (YUMMMMM!!) and a jar of olives for my brother. Then in addition, she had little plastic crates (probably 5×5, just a bit larger than a cassette tape) and had put in mine a special mix tape with all our favorite songs from Stevie, Madonna, The Bangles, Cindy Lauper, etc on it and some other little things. I don’t remember the other stuff because that mix tape trumped them all…I played that thing until the tape would come out all curly and I’d have to use something to wind it back in, and then finally it wouldn’t wind back in anymore 😉 That was something really special about my mom, she loved to give something handmade and one of a kind. Nearly every birthday when I was younger she hand-drew cards with pictures of a cute little pig tailed girl or a unicorn with a rainbow. Hallmark didn’t have nothin’ on my mama…she knew how to make a card and have it mean something. I’m pretty sure this is what spawned my hoarding of cards from every single occasion I receive one from. Caleb has started to break me of this, now I’m learning to only keep the ones with messages I don’t want to forget 🙂 Anyway…memories like those…those are the ones I hang on to, I just wish I could remember what she was wearing, or the look on her face when I opened my stocking. That’s the stuff that makes it hard.

I can’t wait until we get moved and I can dig out all my boxes and tubs of photos and spend a day or two going through them with Cadence, recalling old memories, introducing her to her mommy as a little girl, my mommy, and many others. Maybe that’s why this year it feels tough, because I can’t do that like I usually do. Who am I kidding though…every year is tough, no matter how much time goes by. This March will make 16 years since we lost my Grammy, and 13 years (holy cow, THIRTEEN?!) since we lost my mama. How is it even possible? That’s over half my life now without my Gram. Just seems crazy. Doesn’t seem right.

So, sigh, I hope that maybe by sharing this, sharing my crazy late night talking to my long lost relatives in my head stories, will help someone out there today or tomorrow or the next feel not so crazy or alone. And to remind us that we haven’t forgotten our loved ones, they are still with us: in a memory, in an object, in a photograph, a place, a smell…they are with us. Keep loving them, keep reminding yourself of what they meant to you, of who they were, of how they touched your life and the life of others…and don’t forget that even if those things aren’t clear all the time, they are still there, they always will be.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone, here’s to making memories of our own to leave behind for those we love ❤

Mom sporting her Christmas troll earrings (from our house on 3rd)

My big brother (Chad), mom, uncle Steve, Grammy, myself, and little cousins Jeremy and Elizabeth, probably around ’95 or ’96 (in Grammy’s apartment above Aunt Mary’s).